


maybe I don't quite know what to say

by doc_pickles



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Unplanned Pregnancy, a taylor swift lyric for a title again? must be a day that ends in Y, no beta we die like men, set in Season 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28202889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doc_pickles/pseuds/doc_pickles
Summary: I didn't know if you'd care if I came backI have a lot of regrets about thatPulled the car off the road to the lookoutCould've followed my fears all the way down
Relationships: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30
Collections: The Group Chat's Fics





	maybe I don't quite know what to say

**Author's Note:**

> I am not joking I texted Lay at an ungodly hour after waking up from a dead sleep because I had a dream about this fic. Then I frantically wrote it in a word vomit style and here we are. As many of you know I do not write a lot of angst but this one... I like this one. So uhhhh enjoy. Thanks.

He doesn’t mean to look at it, he’s looking for labs for his own patient when he sees the file. The folder is taunting him as his fingers hover over it, the bolded name being the final straw. 

Trying to rationalize his actions, he tells himself that his sentencing this morning is what makes him open her test results. He was curious and worried, why the hell was she getting labs done on herself? It could’ve been a system error, but as soon as he opens the file and sees her birthday printed under her full name he knows it’s not. He scans the papers, looking for anything out of the ordinary. He almost misses it, the spike in her hCG levels so high that there’s no doubt in his mind what they mean. 

He makes quick work of gathering his own test results before he barricades himself in the nearest supply closet. Chest constricting tightly he knows he’s in the middle of a panic attack as soon as he struggles to pull in a complete breath. The feeling is foreign, something that hasn’t plagued him since he was a young boy huddling underneath the dining table praying his dad wouldn’t hear him shushing his siblings' cries. 

The thought of his dad made his heart clench, fear ripping through him like a hurricane as he entertained the idea that he might end up being just as crappy as his own father. If his head was screwed on right he’d know that he could never treat any child of his the way he had been treated, but he’s not thinking logically as he hyperventilates in a closet thinking about his impending fatherhood. 

He was going to be a father. A dad. There was going to be another human that depended on him. He’d created another life with a woman he loved more than he could say and who currently wasn’t speaking to him and he might be going to jail. Before he can process it he’s leaning over an empty bin and puking, the fear and anxiety coursing through his body winning out. 

Eventually he goes back to work, though he can hardly remember it. His body is on autopilot as he finishes his shift and drives back to Meredith’s house. When his brain finally decides to let him process everything that’s been spinning through it for the past few hours he finds himself standing in the shower under a cold spray of water with tears streaming down his face. 

How had he fucked up this badly? How had he ruined things so utterly and completely between them? He should be at home with her, celebrating this unexpected surprise with their favorite takeout as they laid across the couch talking about their future. Instead there were miles of Seattle between them and even more distance between their hearts as they both struggled with their new realities. He with the prospect of facing jail time for his rash actions, her with the potential that she could end up a single mother because of what he’d done. 

At the end of the day he knew it all fell on his shoulders, he knew he was to blame for fucking them up so royally. Despite knowing that he was to blame for the disaster their relationship had become, all Alex wanted was to hold Jo close and not let go. 

-

It’s later that same day when he approaches Amelia and Owen’s new home that he sees her again. He doesn’t want to upset her, but the knowledge of their impending parenthood spurs him forward. Her eyes dart up to meet his as she tries to avoid answering his questions. She’s mad, he knows she has every right to be but he can’t help but want to talk about it. 

“Jo... I don't want to go in there. I want to be home with you,” her expression is telling, they’re not on the same page. She doesn’t want him home. “And I messed that up, and I know that, and I'm sorry.”

“You can't just say that, Alex,” there’s tears shining in her eyes as she looks at him. “It doesn't fix anything. Sorry doesn't fix all of this.” 

He knows he needs to bring it up, that he needs to ask her about it because it’s burning through him like a hot coal, “I’m trying to fix this, to fix us Jo. I want to... I want to because I know.”

“Know what?”

“That you’re pregnant,” he takes a step forward and she takes one back, tears welling up and threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. “Please, I want to fix this so we can move on and work together. We’re having a-“

“That doesn’t matter,” her voice is hoarse, she clears it quickly before she speaks again. “It’s not going to matter by this time tomorrow.”

It takes him a moment to process what she’s saying but when he does his knees almost give out.  _ She’s not keeping their baby.  _ They’re staring at each other, both of them crumbling inside as they try to hold back their true feelings. 

“Jo, please-“

“Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. I’m trying so hard not to involve my emotions because I just... I can’t do this right now Alex,” she looks away from him, eyes falling to her feet as the emotion she claimed to be pushing aside spewed out of her like a rupturing volcano. “We can’t do this right now and I need you not to try and talk me out of it.”

“Jo, baby, come on. We can work this out,” his voice is verging on desperate as he reaches for her, their fingers brushing for only a moment before she takes another step back and presses her hand against her mouth. “You know I’ll let you do whatever you need to but we can work this out. Please. I don’t want to-“

“No! We’re barely speaking and I screwed everything up, I can’t bring a baby into that! I can’t be selfish and screw up another life no matter how much I... I can’t do that, I’ve been here before and I’ve made this choice before. I can do it again I just need you to leave,” sobs interject her words as one hand presses against her still flat stomach. Her words aren’t making sense, he doesn’t understand what she’s trying to say but his heart is breaking as he realizes just how terrible things between them have gotten. “I need you to walk away because if you look at me one more time I won’t be able to do it and I need to, I have to do this.”

He realizes then that she doesn’t want to do this, she doesn’t want to go through with an abortion but she think it’s the only way out. His heart breaks as he lets her walk away, letting her leave with the knowledge that tomorrow there wouldn't be any hope of a future between them. 

Alex sits with his guilt and tears and the overwhelming pain building in his heart until his pager beeps and sends him back to the hospital. He wants more than anything to drive to the loft and hold Jo and tell her things will be okay but he knows he has to let her go. He has to let her do this because he’s the one that got her there. 

-

The night is hell. Bailey has shunned him and basically fired him, his career is slowly dwindling away to nothing, and any hope he held for his relationship is now gone. Alex stays within the walls of the hospital as long as he can, but when the morning light seeps in and his exhaustion comes with it he knows he needs to drag himself into his own bed before he collapses. 

When he walks up the steps to the frat house, he’s shocked to see Jo sitting on the porch swing. Her body is almost curled in on itself, Alex’s heart sinking as he realizes she had probably already done it. He drops his bag by the door, her eyes moving up immediately at the sound. 

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Jo’s voice is incredibly quiet as she picks at a thread on her sweatshirt. A quiet sob breaks through as she wraps her arms around herself. “I’m sorry for showing up here, I didn’t know where to go.”

Alex sighs, leaning against the door as he stares at her with an aching in his chest, “It’s okay, you’re probably in pain. I get it.”

She shakes her head, a few curls falling out of her loose bun as tears build up again and she begins to cry in earnest now. Alex takes a step forward, wanting to wrap her up in his arms and comfort her, but not knowing if he should. 

“I’m not mad at you, you don’t have to cry,” his voice is quiet as he kneels in front of her, one hand settling on her knee. “It’s okay, I get why you did it.”

“I didn’t... I couldn’t do it,” Jo’s cries get louder as she tries to force out the words, Alex’s heart stopping as he listens intently. “I just sat in the parking lot and couldn’t move because I kept thinking... about us and how this, this baby didn’t do anything wrong. And how loved they would be, how many people they would have to hold them and worry about them and make sure they were okay. So I left and I came here and I... I couldn’t do it. I know we’re both so fucked up right now but I want this. And I’m so sorry.”

Her body slips off the swing and into his embrace, Alex’s arms moving to cradle Jo against him as she desperately sobs against his chest. His heart is beating wildly now, relief coursing through him as he realizes that Jo had chosen them and their baby. The little life that they’d made out of love and that was still growing steadily inside of her. 

His eyes close as his own tears begin to fall, his lips brushing against her forehead as he realizes how much they have to work through. He wants to though, for her, for them, he’d do anything. He knows that much. 


End file.
